Deflecting Bill Simmons' Rocks

The people who put together the People's Pigskin have been fans of Bill Simmons (aka "The Sports Guy") since he was writing over at Digital City. In fact, if you've missed any of his Vegas journals, you owe it to yourself to take a look at them in his archive.

You'll also find plenty of columns about fantasy football. Today, under the headline "Throwing rocks in fantasy football pool," Simmons offered his latest plan for shaking up a game where "We do things pretty much exactly the same way" as we did a decade ago. It's funny how chess is essentially the same game it was when Benjamin Franklin was playing it, but fantasy football needs an update.

Most of Simmons' column is as funny and insightful as anything he's ever published, even if it does come close to violating his own "150-minute rule" (if you're going to spend more than that much time on anything, you better have a rock-solid reason). However, his recommendations for shaking up fantasy football leave something to be desired. Here are the main recommendations, along with some counterpoints.

1. "Everyone agrees on a Universal Fantasy System"

Longtime readers of the People's Pigskin may have already figured out that I enjoy beer. In fact, I prefer beers on the Guinness end of the spectrum. However, I'm not arrogant enough to expect everyone to like Guinness as much as I do. You might think it is too bitter for human consumption. That's fine. I'll sip my Guinness and allow you to drink your Coors Light (which I wouldn't drink if my esophagus were on fire), and we'll both have a good time. That's why any bar worthy of the name has more than one beer tap.

It's the same way with fantasy football. So far this summer, I've signed up for three fantasy leagues, and I plan to sign up for at least one more. (More details on that in a later post.) I like having choices about how teams are set up, how points are distributed and how ties and championships are determined. Making everyone play the same way wouldn't help fantasy football. It would stifle innovation.

2. "Everyone switches to an auction format"

To continue the beer metaphor, liking Guinness doesn't stop me from sampling new beers. Likewise, I've never been part of an auction draft, but I wouldn't mind trying one out. One reason: "Someone like Chris Johnson goes to the highest bidder instead of someone who just lucked out by pulling an ace from a deck of cards."

3. "Keepers"

Simmons recommends a system that would allow fantasy players to keep some of their players for up to four seasons at a time. You have to pay a little more each year -- this recommendation is based on an auction draft -- and after season 2, you have to decide whether to keep the player for the next two seasons. (No dropping the player after season 3.) If only the New York Jets could to this.

4. "Safe words"

Simmons wants us to pick a word to shout out to stop someone from telling a boring fantasy story. Not only do I agree with him on this, but I'm one step ahead of him. I already have a word for such situations. I find that "SHUTTHE****UP" works just fine.

5. "Menage A Trois Week"

No,  Simmons has not been sharing ideas with Kim Kardashian again. He's suggesting that several weeks of the fantasy season should feature matchups involving three teams instead of two. You versus two opponents, with one team getting a win and two teams getting a loss.

One problem: Fantasy players don't need yet another way to lose. The Brian Westbrooks of the world are giving us enough opportunities to lose needlessly as it is.

6. "The Backgammon Cube"

I'm not even going to try to explain this idea, except to say that it involves both escalating double-or-nothing bets and the chance to concede the week's matches before they're over. And to say that it's a way to drive any league's commissioner to slit his/her wrists.

The best conclusion to draw from all this: If ESPN.com is featuring something like this on its front page, how long can it be until we're watching games that count?

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